I woke up today and I just wanted to die. Literally, just die and leave all this behind, and I probably would have made a move towards achieving my goal.
See I’ve romanced the thought of death once or twice before, teased it, played with it. I’ve attempted suicide once before, on a day just like this, because I was feeling just like this. Like nothing really matters, like everything I do is destined to be one failure after another. Ever felt so useless and inconsequential that you are convinced primordial ooze is more relevant than you are? Well, that’s how I was feeling then, when I took pill after pill knowing I was going to sleep and not wake up. And that’s how I’m feeling now as I write this.
You see I sometimes get into.. funks. That’s the uptown word for it. The real word is depression. To be a little more clinical, I live with a condition called AADHD (Adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and the depression is as a result of comorbidity, that is, when the AADHD makes me feel like a dysfunctional adult, I sink into a depression. So really, if you look at it, I’m a tad manic depressive, the too highs and too low lows.
All that I can deal with. What I usually can’t deal with to be perfectly honest is the judgement from people. If I had a dime for everytime someone told me “AADHD? Thats a disease for white people” (From my brother) or “Stop making excuses” (From a close friend) Oh boy wouldn’t I be rich. And because of this, I spent a very long time thinking that I was just a really bad person. Even now, knowing the underlying psychiatric issues, I pretend that I’m okay with people not understanding, but I’m not. It kills me a little when people think I’m faking my… funk. makes me think, why should I even bother, drives me deeper into the… funk, and brings me where I am today, just wanting to die.
But that’s just me. My mind, my… funk.
According to the WHO (World Health Organization) Mental Health and Development report 2010; 151million people live with depression globally, 26 million with schizophrenia, 40 million with epilepsy, 24 million with Alzheimer’s and other dementias. Yet another 12.5million live with alcohol and drug abuse disorders and approximately 844,000 people die of suicide each year.
What about their minds? Their… funks?
Yaani, I’m so happy right now and have been for the last couple of weeks coz i’m finally meeting people who ‘know’. issues surrounding mental health are so misunderestood in this country and those who should ideally have your back just make things worse in their ignorance. I’ve learnt to love my depressive moments, (as long as i get out of them alive and scar-less) but this is a topic for another day… so this is just love to another similar person
Thanks Tindilicious
I think this is a topic for today, and tomorrow and everyday thereafter until people start talking about it and trying to understanding it. We’re having a Mental health awareness event tomorrow (Saturday October 23rd) at railway club from 10am – 4.00pm you should definitely come through!
After the traumatic loss of my last born brother (and only brother), I discovered/suspected that I developed Bipolar Disorder. Self diagnosis mostly. I relate with what you call “the high highs and the extremely low lows”. It threatened to destroy every facet of my life, including me. Congratulations Loco for what you are doing for mental awareness. You are touching one life at a time. I guess that is what matters
Thanks Shekyn, sorry about the loss of your brother. Thanks for sharing about your bipolar. Ever noticed how hard it is to tell people of a mental illness? Hope your getting properly facilitated treatment ey. if you drop me an email at (amyrandah[at]gmail[dot]com) we can chat
My 2 cents on this.
I am (fortunately) married to a beautigul individual whose calling in life is to minister to troubled people and halp them cope and grow out of their funk and develop into healthy happy individuals.
One key technique i’ve noted is the emphasis on support groups and people…available to you at any time of the day and night. Anchors…who keep you grounded and help you walk through the funk.
Maybe a similar structure could work for those of you who have mental health issues? A weekly forum where you can all collectively touch base and affirm each other?
Thanks for the comment Buggz
It’s quite noble what Mrs Buggz is doing. Yes, group therapy is one of the strongest forms of therapy when it comes to mental illness, however it is a bit hard to get into like minded groups moderated by a psychologist, because lots of people want to keep quiet the illness they are living with to avoid stigma. Hopefully though, with a little more demystification of the mental health issue this will slowly start becoming a reality.
There’s once lived a lovely lady in the state of New York; Queens to be precise-ish. Brilliant wordsmith and literary mind. She was also blessed with the most sublime of features and a body that elicited nothing but sinful thoughts in the gutters of men’s minds. I had had a crush on her and would walk by her building on my way to the train home from work hoping to catch a glimpse of her smile and maybe a wave too; fuel for my dreams.
Then one day, my balls dropped, and I mustered up the courage and audacity to walk up to her floor, bang on her door and say “Look woman; this is what’s going to happen. I will buy you coffee this evening and you shall drink it and entertain my small talk and midget humor. That is all. Dress snazzy.”
I got to the door and barely tapped it when it opened itself. “Aha! I thought. This is a sign.” but before I could proceed on one of my power-trip self-gratifying solliloquies, I noticed the lady in question passed out by the bathroom floor, foaming at the mouth.
A 911 call, ambulance ride and hospital night later, I found out that she’d had the severest of depressions and had tried to bottle it in and act normal. But the pressure of her family telling her she was sulking for no reason, her friends being jealous of her beauty(mind and other) and her job, her neglectful boyfriends and the ever intimidated passers by who never said anything more than hi, she decided the world was better without her. I tried talking to her, even convinced her to go for professional help a few months later. I moved out of NY to ATL but still swung by to visit and check on her. It was clear that she was struggling without a support system. And the medication did little to help.
3 years and 3 suicide attempts later, she finally made it to Walker Funeral Home.
And her family sat there crying wishing they would’ve listened.
Everybody is worth worlds or more.
Don’t listen to the funk. Well, not that funk at least.
Stay up Loco.
Thanks so much, actually this deserves to be a post on it’s own! I’m putting it up imminjet!! It highlights everything that needs to be said in the most gracefully of literary prose!
Thank you kindly.
Depression is awful beyond words or sounds or images…. It bleeds relationships through suspicion, lack of confidence and self-respect, the inability to enjoy life, to walk, or think normally, the exhaustion, the night terrors, the day terrors… [Depression] gives you the experience of how it must be to be old and sick, to be dying; to be slow of mind to be lacking in grace, polish and coordination; to be ugly; to have no belief, in the possibilities of life, the exquisiteness of music or the ability to make yourself and others laugh.
Depression is flat, hollow and endurable…tiresome. People cannot abide being around you…you are tedious…. irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened and you are frightening.
Kay Redfield Jamison, An unquiet Mind, New York: Vintage Books, 1996
Mental disorders are manifested by emotions, thoughts and behavior. There is usually a separation of the concept of the mind and body when it comes to health.
Mood and behavior are often considered a result of self-discipline, strength of character and moral choice for which we bear responsibility, while physical illness is considered an unfortunate event outside one’s control.
Mood swings tend to swing as a pendulum between mania and depression…(with bipolar 2-hypomania) Hypomania is a milder form of mania.
Mania is described as a pleasurable sense of heightened energy, creativity and social ease. Tends to be characterized by lack of insight, denial and the symptoms tend to last over a week where a person has difficulty functioning normally.
Common symptoms:
1. Heightened mood / optimism / self-confidence
2. Decreased need for sleep without fatigue
3. Delusions (grandiose) inflated sense of importance
4. Excessive irritability
5. Increased physical / mental activity
6. Rapid / pressured speech
7. Flight of ideas from one topic to another, easy loss of focus/concentration (distractability)
8. Poor judgment, impulsiveness
9. Spending sprees, rash business decisions, erratic driving, hypersexuality
HYPOMANIA is less severe than MANIA and it excludes psychosis-behavior not normal. You become too talkative, uninhibited, pompous, manipulative, intrusive, sound, outlandish ideas, irrational, irresponsible/inappropriate behavior (out of character) seemingly inexhaustible supply of energy and self-confidence which all erode and torpedo relationships.
One of the few mysteries of depression is why people succumb when they do, why a blow that cripples one person is taken in stride by another and why a person who has survived great adversity is laid low by one of life’s predictable stumbling blocks. A casual observer may under estimate the severity of emotional distress caused by such events.
The very diagnosis of bipolar (or any other mental illness) brands a person due to the societal view of mental illness as per the worst cases of emotional disturbance witnessed (naked people walking around)as the benchmark for anyone who has a whiff of mental illness/disorder or challenge. It is interesting to note that the social meaning of these illnesses is totally different from the medical diagnoses.
Some mental illnesses are associated with word fluency, associational fluency, expressional fluency, ideational fluency i.e. elements of creative thinking that many of which are associated with cognitive changes that take place in the brain during mild mania The easiest tasks become complex, rocket science, low energy levels, social withdrawal, isolation, insulation, antisocial tendencies.
There is hope …. hold on you can make it…change is coming…..I’ve been there….I lost my brother to suicide..been to mental hospitals, seen numerous psychologists, psychiatrists…..you need to take your pain ..instead of it draining you…its a reminder that everything in your life that has gone wrong has nothing to do with who you are….everyday re-write your history…your life is a book that has been unwritten…your words, thoughts and actions are the paragraphs that make the story……and like a phoenix you will arise from the ashes into a stronger and bolder individual….lead yourself and you will find yourself leading others…The past reaches the present and programs the future by internal rhetoric and the recollections of what we have perceived to have happened to us…there is no reality but perception…what is the prevailing perception in your life? what do you tell yourself each day….take a look at yourself and make that change….don’t beat yourself up if you are feeling depressed…accept it and it will lift like the weather changes when its time is up…love yourself, accept your weaknesses and strengths….encourage yourself….life is a seasonal routine…the waves of the ocean ebb..back and forth…but the water keeps flowing….dust yourself off when you fall and try again…you must be special to yourself before you are special to others….
Thanks Kanyi, for the more in depth explanation, you are an inspiration to me and to others for sure, and as we always say, just breathe, just believe and just do you and the rest shall subsequently follow!
I trust the funk has passed, but from one recovering depressive to another, when you can write about it, you’re doing okay. You know when you took your pills? You sat quietly in your room and swallowed them, and nobody knew about it. I know, because I’ve done the OD too. So when you’re writing about it, you’re doing ok. Keep writing about it, for both our sakes.
YAY for you still being here! Because we still have to do a tea
Thanks CB, for the encouraging and insightful comment.
Found out last year that i have bipolar. Before getting diagnosed i’d tried suicide 3times!
I feel you, Most people believe its a fake condition, like you said. The problem is sometimes they convince you enough so you live like its not there. Then u get the funk and all depressed and hating your life and yourself for no logical reason, and reach for the razor or road they aren’t there!
Glad i came across this. I’d put several entries on my blog i’d written during th funk but pulled them down because of their dark nature but maybe instead of hiding i should show them its real, and they should get a glimpse of what goes through the mind during a manic depression.
Anyway, adding to my blogroll
Thanks for speakin up here Ben. You’re too right, after all is said and done, when the razor hits the wrist of the rubber hits the road, you are the only one there, no one should have to go through that, 3 times for that matter, alone! Very encoraged by your bravery! And put the posts back up, there’ll be at least one person reading… me
Thank you Loco, for braving enough to share with us your deepest thoughts.
While I can’t say I truly understand, I’ll leave you with this; it’s a favorite when I feel that the world doesn’t love me no more.
“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin to Pooh
Thanks so much for readin and dropping a comment and Oh wow, that quote is super, when you say Pooh, you mean Winnie the Pooh cuteness right?
I am really touched by what people have shared….Loco..is there anyway we can have monthly or quarterly meetings strictly for those with issues like ours…a club…we can have an hr or so of talk therapy…listening..games..group hang-outs (Objective:integration to mainstream of life, inclusion to daily life, empathy, reason to hope, empowerment, personal growth…sense of belonging etc)and those who have conquered certain aspects of the illness can teach others how exactly they got out of certain situations or how they manage the same with a different perspective…..something to think about…..Like an AA meeting….My name is…..I am….we ca even omit real names and assign nicknames…totally up to the rest….
Officially I have tried to commit suicide twice…overdose…i.e 2003 and 2006…. I understand the process…the pain (yourself/family/friends)…to lose hope…when everything in life tends to communicate that time is up taking space on the earth is up…no future to look forward to…to sink so low….perhaps low ad infinitum….mental energy black-hole…vortex.. in your universe..waking up in the morning becomes rocket science…perhaps purgatory from former life..ancestral curse..manifesting…the phone is you enemy…can’t pick up any calls…don’t want to meet, see or talk to anyone….after all ONLY you understand your issues..talking and sharing makes you feel even worse…misunderstood…misrepresented….unloved, unwanted….you become everything that is wrong with the world……something like that….never in a lifetime did I ever think that I could work normally, do some pro-bono work (my outlet for negative life experiences-fight back the illness) and build a small business in the spare time…I haven’t been this productive in a long time….I would be lying if I said I never get depressed…I would be lying if I said that i don’t get mini-episodes once in a while…the difference is like a reed i bend and not break under pressure….I was reading a book called the 5 Languages of love. let me give you an analogy…the key concept of the book is that we have limerance (in-love/lovey dovey stage in a relationship o marriage…once the chemistry and everything settles down comes the real marriage….Dr. Gary…says True love is a conscious choice…its hard work…just like roses…..we tend to work so hard over months…to get a beautiful flower that lasts about a week or so as an aesthetic…why put in the work?….You need to take responsibility for everything that has happened in your life….I said responsibility not liability…Make a conscious choice to re-invent yourself, do the things that not only bring joy but enjoyment….joy is a feeling (feelings come and go) enjoyment is a state (lasts longer and can be re-enacted)…..you have all the answers what ails your heart and mind the most….empower yourself…and like the dutch you will regain your land inch by inch and push the raging oceans behind….you must come to a point where you say….I choose to longer be affected by X…I choose to accept that X happened…the rest of my life will not be tied up or taken hostage by the painful memories caused by A perpetrated by B and damaged me in a C way….the most profound relationship you will ever have is yourself…learn to stand up for yourself…love and accept yourself…be aware of your limitations…but soldier on….An error doesn’t become a mistake until there is a refusal to correct it…forgive yourself where you have lost integrity with yourself….you are a bundle of possibilities….ask yourself….How can I turn my pain into a positive…life experience is a resource of knowledge (good/bad)….nothing is ever wasted if you can think out of the box….the trick is that it might not solve all your problems but it strengthens you on the inside…..no shame in who you are ..or having a mental illness of any nature..its treatable like hypertension, diabetes, cancer….. had to literaly eliminate that part of me…that conformist … people pleaser …that always cared what others thought and how I appeared…I don’t mean you become an arrogant SOB or J****ss…I mean being confortable in your own skin..those who don’t get you cn bugger off…your life is your asset…you manage it…if you don;t stand up for yourself no one ever will…..life can get better…get a reason to hope…take it a day at a time..baby steps….you will make it if you persist and endure….strength and bravery is in all of us…confront your fears, confront your issues…be the hero in your life….get connected to some awesome people…find people you can be open with…people that get you…without to much explanation…people who have been there….keep the treatment that works…don’t put pressure on yourself to get off the meds and forget why you’re on them….cold turkey methods will get you into bad shape if not done well…if you are sure you want to be off the prescribed drugs…you must do so with a Dr. – explain that yo want to be weaned off (pretty big decision-not advisable but we are all different)- those medicines have a chemical half-life—withdrawal of these meds play a huge part in a relapse…then you end up taking more prescribed drugs and hospitalization and the vicious cycle begins…take responsibility for your life whether its your fault or not…realize your part, other’s part..don’t blame yourself..it can happen to anyone…thats the learning curve to rebuilding your life from the inside out…be encouraged…encourage yourself….be the change you wish to see in the world or your world….we can do no great things only little things with great love….start NOW!
loco. you are brave!
Thanks for dropping by Tim. Au contraire, I’m human, quite like a lot of others out there, I wish more people spoke out, it’s a carthasis in itself, the speaking.
@margbrennan – CDC says 1 in 10 school-aged kids diagnosed w/ADD, 23% increase from 2003. Who benefits besides $JNJ?
I stumbled upon your blog on my journeys through the Kenyan Blogosphere today….. I am glad I read this piece. I come from a family with an history of mental disorders…my father has had it take such a heavy toll on him that he almost lost his job. However, being the way he is, and fighting it, he has managed to bring up 4 kids single-handedly ..having lost our mum in the early 90s…
To see people share this stuff, and the informing comments up there…mmmh…there are times i too get into my own depths of depression…i fear sleep… i just sit and stare and think things…to save myself…i write…. i get absorbed in my writing…at that point, i rarely pick phone calls… I just disappear into my own world…
But as you say, many people take these conditions as self induced plights for attention…
Great piece this one
Thanks for sharing Ndinda. I’m discovering that every day brings it’s own unique highs and lows, and yes, the lows will be there no matter what anyone says, but as long as you are aware of self,then you’re empowered. Stay safe luv and thanks for dropping by